by Katherine Garbera
I'm on a lot of writing loops and links on-line and periodically the subject comes up and no one really knows what to do about it. I'm talking about confidence. It's funny because I'm not a big ego person but I've always felt like anything I want to do I can accomplish. When I first started writing this wouldn't have been an issue. Before I joined a writers group I had my little secret that I shared only with my husband and family. Then after I started meeting with other writers some of my confidence slipped especially when I joined a critique group.
It's only as time goes on and we begin to see ourselves through other eyes that we become insecure about the desire that brought us to writing. When we perceive other writers are better than us, the process is easier for them and they have an easier time making sales or best-seller lists.
It's hard to be confident when everyone on your loop is experiencing a tight market. It's hard to be confident when the fourth book in a series you've been writing is rejected. It's hard to be confident when you look at the computer screen filled with your own words and know in your heart that it is trash.
When I was in that critique group I'd find myself bring a chapter that I had revised ten times to the group and then cautioning them that it was a "rough" draft. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish by this but that mind-set made it hard for me to feel confident about the pages I was writing. So after my critique group disintegrated as they sometimes do, I was alone again in my writing and found the confidence that I'd had to begin with. The confidence to take chances and write the story that I wanted to write. The story that I didn’t feel comfortable talking out loud about but the one that really mattered in my heart. That book became my first sale.
I've always been a little insecure as a writer, which I attributed to my own failings. The fact that I repeatedly got that comment on my report card throughout my school years--doesn't live up to potential. I'm still trying and measuring myself by someone else's standards and that takes more effort then I've got to spare these days. But it doesn't change the fact that this feeling is universal. There is little we control in the publishing industry as writers. We control our work to a small extent. We control whom we sell our books to by deciding what contracts to sign. We control...okay that's all I can think of.
Though this out of control feeling is not one I relish I'm beginning to think it may be an essential part of being a writer. That fear and vulnerability add an edge of realism to our writing. I think if you allow yourself to wallow in these feelings. To explore them to their full extent then you find that emotion that is the heart of being human. Fear that we wont' fit in, our society is one which functions on the basis that we all want the same things and when we don't fit in then we become ostracized.
When you think about it we have already ostracized ourselves. Writers are by nature observers who record the world from a distance. But I don't believe that fear is exclusively ours and I believe that confidence in our writing is something hard to find. Hard to define and hard to put a pin on. But in our hearts I wonder if we all aren't putting our best work out there with the caution that it's only a draft.
So here's my piece of advice to you--actually I've taken it from Julia Cameron's Heart Steps. It is a meditation "I have an inner compass" I printed this out and put it in my day planner. Every day I think about where I'm going and what I want to achieve. These things can't be measured by anyone else's success or failure. In fact, I'm the only one who can measure it. One of the things that fulfills me is writing. So my inner compass is spinning madly out of control and pointing toward nothing when I’m discourage about the "writing industry" or the market. Instead I focus on the one thing that I've been ambling toward my entire life. That thing for me is writing. I hope it is for you too! Happy Writing!
Katherine Garbera writes for Silhouette Romance. Here are her upcoming titles:
SOME KIND OF INCREDIBLE, Sil. Desire #1395 10/01
THE TYCOON'S TEMPTATION, Desire #1414, 01/02
Visit Katherine on the web at www.katherinegarbera.com
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