By
Elizabeth Rose
Chivalry is dead.
This I found out first hand recently as I was on a boy scout camping trip. Actually, the cub scouts were going from group to group and the boy scout dens were teaching them things such as first aid, backpacking and cooking.
As I stood in awe around the cooking segment, sucking in the sweet smell of cooked turkey in a foil box, popcorn in an iron skillet, and pancakes cooked atop a coffee can, we were offered a taste of the last of their apple cobbler.
I stood in a group of parents. Of the five of us, I was the
only female. The men crowded around the troop leader handing out the cobbler,
and one after another, the men grabbed the plates and sucked it down, never
once offering the only female in the group a piece before it was gone. Neither
did the troop leader. I said nothing. Instead I stood patiently, waiting, watching
the cobbler turn to crumbs in a pan before my very eyes. I finally did get the
last of the crumbs scooped out onto a paper dish, but only because there were
no more men to serve. Things weren't much better over at the turkey or the popcorn
center either.
Okay, so I'm not a primadona that needs to be worshipped and adored, but neither am I a woman libber who demands to be treated like a man. This whole incident ruffled my feathers, and I wondered whatever happened to the days when men were chivalric to the women in their company. So I decided I needed to write about this. Why is it men in the olden days were chivalric, but today they act as if they've never heard of the word? Well, I decided to research it and here's what I found.
Chivalry
Chivalry is derived from the French word cheval, and from the Latin, caballus, and was to be considered from three points - the military, the social, and the religious.
It is best known as the belief and practices of the knights of medieval times. It is a code of ethics or conduct upheld by the knights and influenced by Christianity.
Chivalry meant that a knight was loyal, courteous, protective, honorable and gentle. They sought love and glory - for his king and his lady first. Some more traits were courage, being humble, obedient and chaste. They lived to serve their king and country and to defend the crown.
They were to show self control, respect to authority and to women, protect the innocent or those weaker or unarmed, they were never to attack an unarmed foe, attack from behind, or use a weapon on an opponent that was not equal to the attack.
They were to administer justice, avoid cheating and lying - and torture, and were expected to avenge the wronged. They would never abandon a friend or noble cause or betray them. They were to exhibit manners, avoid deception, keep one's word of honor and die with valor.
Rules of Chivalrous Love
When it came to chivalrous love, they were to avoid avarice, and keep themselves chaste for the one they loved. They were not to break up another's love affair, and they were to keep their own love affair to themselves.
They were expected to be polite, courteous, modest, avoid falsehoods and speak no evil. And my favorite, they were to be obedient in all things to the commands of ladies.
Chivalry supposedly died out after the Crusades, but we do see it carried over to the 19th century man in his rules of being a gentleman. Actually, though chivalry originated in medieval times, none were more chivalrous than the men of the 19th century.
In the late 1800's, the city/upper class man indeed practiced chivalry and even gave it a new meaning. I'm going to take some of their rules, and use them as a countdown as the top ten things a modern man or hero can do to be chivalrous.
10) Table manners should be proper.
Rules back then included:
Do not talk with mouth full.
Do not put elbows on table.
Never leave the table before the rest of the family or guests without asking the host or hostess to excuse you.
Never allow butter or soup to remain on your whiskers.
Use a napkin only for your mouth, never for your nose or forehead.
Do not pick your teeth at the table, but if necessary, hold napkin over your mouth.I think most these things still hold true - and I'd like to add no belching and farting to the list.
Another manner would be standing when a lady approaches a table, or leaves. Nowadays, people don't do it much, but I think the hero should do it, at least when the heroine approaches the table. If you've never seen the movie, Kate and Leopold, see it and you'll know what I mean.
9) Appearance should look nice.
Everybody's Book, 1893: "A gentleman retains his walking or morning attire until six or seven o'clock when he dresses for the evening."
Outdoors, evening wear was accompanied by a silk top hat and a black cape or overcoat. White gloves were essential, especially while dancing. They never touched a lady with bare hands, as it was crude, and the man's sweat from his hands could soil her gown.
Okay, so when's the last time your husband dressed for dinner? White gloves? Dirty hands is more like it. A hero in your own writing would be chivalrous if he was conscious about the way he looked and appeared to the heroine. He would make sure to shower, shave and put on fresh clothes before he ever thought to go to her door.
The Ball Room Guide, 1860, says: "The man who dines in evening dress every night of his life looks easy and natural in it, whereas the man who takes to it late in life generally succeeds in looking like a waiter."
8) Know how to call on a lady.
A woman of the 19th century would never call on a man unless it was a matter of business. Men were expected to call on the ladies, as it was very important to hold society together. All except for professional men who were the only exception, since their time was preoccupied.
Hints On Etiquette, 1836: " If you are thrown amongst fashionable people, you must not pay a visit to a lady before two o'clock p.m., nor after 4, as if you call before that time, you will interrupt those avocations which more or less occupy every lady in the early part of the day: if later than 4, you will prevent her driving out."If the servant told the caller the woman wasn't home, the man would leave his calling card, never ask to come in and wait, or see if she's really home and just not wanting to see him.
A modern day chivalrous hero would be considerate when he called or came to a woman's house. It wouldn't be late at night or early in the morning. He would also ask her on a date at least a week in advance. Not wait til the last minute, and expect her to be available.
7) Respect the lady.
Martine's Handbook, 1866 says: "It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the presence of ladies, even thought they are amiable enough to permit it."
Nowadays, I think a man should refrain from smoking in front of a woman, or perhaps at least ask if she minds.
Hill's Forms, 1873: "A gentleman will assist a lady over a bad crossing, or from an omnibus or carriage, without waiting for the formality of an introduction. When the service is performed, he will raise his hat, bow and pass on."
Back then, a man couldn't talk to a woman unless formally introduced. Neither could he dance with someone he hadn't been introduced to. So most of the time a host or hostess of a ball would run around all night just introducing men and women. A women couldn't even venture across the dance floor unchaperoned.
Nowadays, if a man helps a woman from the car, or opens or closes her car door for her, it would be nice.
In the 19th century, after a ball, the man escorted a woman home. If she invited him in, he had to decline. But it was his duty to call again in two days.
Nowadays, if a girl asks a guy into her house after a first date, he'll jump at the chance and take it as a sign of her wanting to go to bed - which is where they'll probably end up. The chivalrous hero, would indeed decline the offer, but call again in the next day or two.
6) Protect the woman physically and verbally.
The man should walk on the outside, nearest to the street when with a woman. This will protect her from traffic, puddles being splashed, etc. I think this originated in medieval times when people tossed the contents of their bedpans out the window into the streets.
A chivalrous hero would escort the woman with his hand on the small of her back when guiding her up the stairs while she's wearing heels.
Of course the hero would also do everything to protect her from danger, and be the first to step in and defend her or stop trouble from happening. He would defend her even if she's not present, if someone was talking slanderous about her.
5) Give a lady his seat.
From Martine's Handbook, 1866: "Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert. Always yield to her, if practicable, your seat and place. Do not sit when she is standing, without offering her your place."
The Cynic's Rules of Conduct, 1905: "When entering a crowded streetcar, a lady should leave the door open. It is quite permissible for her to appropriate the seat of the man who gets up to close it." (This one made me laugh. Hmm. What a good idea.)Your hero should be aware of other women in a crowded room and always offer one his seat if there is standing room only, even if he doesn't know her.
4) Offer to do the dishes or housework.
I couldn't find much of this happening in history, but I think a chivalrous hero would be the first to clean up after a meal, and let the woman rest while he did the dishes or swept the floor.
A hero who cooks, is also always a plus. Especially if he cooks better than the heroine.
3) Help her carry her things, and help her on and off with her coat.
If a woman struggles with bags of groceries, or trying to open her car door with a package in her hands, the hero should always step forward to do it for her.
He would also help her on and off with her coat. (I think you see this more with older men or with foreign men nowadays.)
2) Open the door for her.
In the olden days, they had servants to do this, but nowadays, it's very chivalrous for a man to open a door for a woman. (I actually see this one more than any of the others nowadays. Men will normally hold a door for me if they're in front of me, and I really like that.)
1) Let her be on top when making love.
You probably wouldn't find mention of this in medieval times or even the 19th century unless the woman was a whore. Nowadays, women are more independent, not to mention much more of the male population is overweight. In courtesy to the woman, the chivalrous hero would let her be on top. The top position is the aggressor, the bottom is passive. A chivalrous man is aggressive in a passive sort of way.
To sum it all up, today's man in order to be chivalrous will always put his
woman first, himself second. If we'd see more of this today, perhaps chivalry
wouldn't be such a thing of the past!
Elizabeth Rose
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